Roll Me Away

ROLL ME AWAY

“Before you leave, you must know you are beloved, And before you leave remember I was with you”  Mumford and Sons (Beloved)

Nubble Lighthouse, York, Maine

The title of this piece is taken from the Bob Seger song of the same name. Always one of my favorites it’s one of many I sang to my mother when she was near her end, and we could no longer have conversations. Like all great art the song invites you to put yourself in it, whether you ride a motorcycle or not you cannot help but accompany Seger as he once again rides out and tries to “get it right”.

My mother died on August 11th of this year. Five days later she took her first motorcycle ride, a weeklong trip from my home in Pennsylvania throughout New England. We made no real plan, no reservations, we traveled freely, stayed where we could, and met who we would along the way. I wanted to offer a dear woman who allowed herself precious little solitude, some of mine in the best way I know to experience it.

There were many times I’d tried to get her to come away on holidays to Longwood Gardens outside Philadelphia. She adored flowers and would have been amazed; but among a mother’s burdens are impartiality, and selflessness so she would always decline, wanting to be available to everyone else. So this trip was a gift of sorts, and a chance to grieve; but mostly an opportunity to honor my mother in the only way left, other than this column, that I knew how to.

Family trip to Henderson Beach, N.C. after chemo with grandson Leo.

Mom weighed 100 pounds at Christmas, at the time of her death eight months later just 60. On our ride she was 25 pounds of marble, ash, and memories. It’s a monstrous cruelty watching someone you love disintegrate before your eyes from a pernicious cancer. The only beauty in all of that fading away of such a kind and pure heart was the fierce, unflinching love it was met with.

My sister Marylou took on the role of caregiver, one she was untrained and unprepared for but embraced anyway when there was no one else. In the process she altered forever my definition of the word “love”. Nurses Judy and Joanne along with social worker Emily often came on their days off and were tirelessly and ceaselessly loving. It’s fitting mom received the abundant love, at death, that she always provided in life.

My mother and I had a frank discussion about death while she was still lucid. She wanted to know my thoughts. She was afraid, and she knew I would not withhold the truth. I told her “Mom, I don’t know, no one does; but I believe we are an expression of the universe for the blink of an eye that we are here and while we are we get to influence and help relatively few; but when we die, we become one with it again and can reach many more through the life we’ve lived”. I told her she had softened countless hard hearts and been an example that will carry on of the best we are capable of. I know my answer confused her; but she knew I was telling the truth. Honesty was the only comfort I could offer at that point, and she would’ve known had I held back, she always knew.

On this trip I wanted her to experience the freedom of movement and emotional bliss riding has always allowed me. While we rode, I asked her “shall we go left or right mom?” I wanted her to feel fast and free, excited and to experience the truest form of personal expression I know. I apologized for every bump in the road, sang her favorite songs to her and told strangers about her and our journey.

Mom and Marylou

I was proud to care for, protect, and praise her, if only her ashes, through eight states, and 1500 miles over five days. She was never out of my sight or my thoughts. Riding through New Jersey farmlands toward home I humbly realized she had done the same and oh so much more for me, my siblings, our families, and friends for nearly 60 years..

Roll Me Away includes the line “Just then I saw a young hawk flying and my soul began to rise
and pretty soon my heart was singing
”. My mother spent her entire life caring for and putting everyone else first with saintly patience and self-sacrifice, and never erred in loving, not once. I wish she had allowed herself to come along for a ride, put her heart into the wind and feel her soul rise. In the end though, it was all I could offer in tribute to her, so in the words of Bob Seger: mom and I rolled, we rolled clean out of sight.

Leave a Comment